| national coming out day is this coming sunday. my mother doesn't know this, but i'm sure she remembers the day i came out to her.
it's been more than four years since i've been out to my mother. that being said, however, it's only been during these past few months where i've felt more and more comfortable discussing with her about daniel. growing up, i was always closer to my mother. while my relationship with my father was rather volatile, i always felt i could rely on my mother. i confided everything in her. she listened to all my childish rants, and she shared all her life stories with me. my mother truly thought she knew everything there was to know about me, as any mother would, so to realize that she hadn't was nothing short of devastating. when i first came out, my mother blamed herself entirely. our once very close bond rapidly deteriorated into silence. i've tried repeatedly to open up to her, but each time, she would retreat from me. after a while, we began resuming some of our usual conversations, but she would never ask about my personal life. on one occasion, she happened to glance over at a photo of myself and daniel, and immediately asked that i put it away. i still recall the very first time she started to inquire about daniel. it was more than a year ago. he had just left for shanghai, and i, along with my brother and his boyfriend, were just coming off a hectic search for a new apartment. i began explaining my situation to her over the phone. it was the first time she had acknowledged his presence in my life, although i had already moved away from home to be with him two years prior. after hanging up, i felt a strange, almost euphoric mix of relief, gladness, and excitement. it seemed as though my mother was finally beginning to make peace with a part of our relationship that had been left broken and unattended for so long. these days, when she calls me, she asks about him, even if a bit casually. i'm starting to tell her about his annoying spending habits, his job situation, and a bit about our life together. she seems more at ease. i haven't told her about our marriage yet - i'm still holding back, unsure if she's ready for the news. in any case, it's a good start, and i hope one day she will want to meet him as much as daniel wants to meet her. growing up in a traditional asian family, i understand too well that the apprehension towards coming out is caused by the fear of disappointing your precious loved ones, but being raised in a generally liberal city, i also understand that i owe it to myself to be honest and forthcoming about who i am. people may say that i live a "lifestyle" and chose this for myself. only a gay person who's experienced the physical and emotional trauma of homophobia can look you in the eye and tell you that it is not a choice to be who you are. it's disheartening to know that, due to fear of rejection, many closeted gays and lesbians are being forced to live their lives the way their families intended for them, not the way they would have wanted for themselves.
while coming out can be a daunting task (and it certainly was for me) and one that entails a real amount of risk, the earlier you do it, the sooner the healing process can begin, both for yourself and those you love. people may tell me that coming out is an act of selfishness, but as much as i love my family and would do anything for them, i cannot live my life for someone else. i hope my dearest friends who are still not out can find courage within and know that no matter what happens, there will always be someone ready to accept you and love you for who you are. |
